Biting Behavior

A Step-by-Step Guide to Handling Biting in the Moment

You’re at the playground with your preschooler, watching them run around and play with other children, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you see them bite another child. In shock and very upset, you quickly spring into action. The other child is crying, your child is confused, the other parent is glaring at you, and, in the moment, you’re furious with your child and also bewildered. Why did this happen? How can a happy, playful moment go so wrong? Why did they do this? It’s understandable – and normal – to feel this way.

Biting in toddler and preschool-age children is more common than you may realize. Between a third and a half of all young children in daycare have been bitten by another child, studies show. Under the age of three, biting is one of the most common behavior issues reported by parents. Luckily, it is a behavior that can be helped, and children often grow out of it.

The Biting Question 

Why do toddlers bite? Developmental research shows kids bite to express their anger, fear, frustration and their need for control. These emotions come on strong in children who don’t yet have the words and language skills to express how they feel. Additionally, toddlers and preschoolers have not yet mastered self-control, so biting is an instinctive reaction. Instead of pausing to think about their actions and consequences, they simply react.

When dealing with a preschooler who bites, remember patience is key. Their behavior may not change immediately, but with help and positive guidance from you, eventually, their biting habit should subside.  

How to Handle a Biting Incident

Step 1:

Defuse. The first thing to do in a biting situation is separate the children involved. If your child is the biter, quickly ensure the other child is okay (and obviously apologize to the parent) but take your toddler away from the hectic situation to a quieter, calmer place to deal with it appropriately. Don’t try to address the situation in a crowded, noisy area with distractions.

Step 2:

Calm Discussion. Short, manageable sentences are important here. Once your child has calmed down (if they got upset) and you’ve taken a few deep breaths, use simple words to explain that biting is not acceptable. Avoid using words like “wrong” or “bad” because it makes them feel shameful. You can say, “You seem upset, but it’s not OK to bite when you’re mad.” Then reinforce that when something is bothering them, they should reach out to an adult (teacher or parent) for help. Or direct them to walk away from a situation when something is bothering them.

Step 3:

Maintain Eye-Contact. Stay as calm as possible in the moment, and make sure you get down to your child’s level when talking to them. Ask them if they understand you as you are discussing the reasons they should not bite. Allow them a moment to process the information and ask them if they have any questions. It’s not necessary to draw out the conversation, so if they are calm, allow them to return to their play. You can follow up later, perhaps at bedtime, and ask if they remember the incident and reinforce that biting hurts others.

Step 4:

Comfort the Victim. Offer your child the option of comforting and apologizing to the other child directly. This shouldn’t be forced. The other child (or parent) may not still be present. But if so, ask them if they’d like to see if the other child is hurting. This will help your child understand the emotions of the child they bit. It also teaches empathy and will help your child see the consequences of their actions. Again, only do this if the bitee is willing and get their parent(s) consent.  

Step 5:

Address the Parents. It’s important to speak one-on-one with the parent of the child who was bitten. It’s helpful for them to know that you are dealing with the situation. Parents want reassurance that a situation like biting is being taken seriously. Try to speak directly with the parent or caregiver after the incident to assure them you are working to resolve your child’s behavior so they do not continue to hurt others.

Step 6

Know the Triggers. When you see frustration or anger rising up in your child, redirect them. Understanding what causes your child to feel overwhelmed is helpful in guiding them to change their behavior. Maybe your child feels frustrated when playing a certain game, or perhaps they get angry when they’re over-tired. Notice the subtle cues that lead up to a biting incident and watch for them. Redirecting your child will help them avoid a biting situation in the future.

Step 7:

Know When to Call in An Expert. Biting behavior is common, and with your help and your child’s development, should resolve itself. However, in some cases biting behavior can be due to other learning or emotional factors that require expert-level help. If your child is older than three and still consistently biting others on playdates, at preschool or at home, it may be time to talk to your child’s pediatrician.